New Law Lets Out-Of-State Couples Marry in Mass.

(Associated Press) - July 31, 2008

Gay and lesbian couples from outside Massachusetts are now free to marry in the state.

Gov. Deval Patrick has signed a bill repealing a 1913 law that barred couples from marrying in Massachusetts if their union would not be valid in their own states.

Out-of-state gay couples will be able to marry immediately if a court waives the state's standard three-day waiting period for them.

Opponents had said repealing the law would make Massachusetts the ''Las Vegas of gay marriage.'' But Patrick says the old law had its roots in racism as it was seen as a way of preventing interracial marriages.

The new law includes a provision waiving the customary 90-day waiting period for the change to go into effect. (AP)

Mass. Lawmakers OK All Marriages

By Eric Moskowitz, Globe Staff July 30, 2008

In a major victory for advocates of same-sex marriage rights, the House voted by a wide margin yesterday to repeal a 95-year-old law that prevents gay and lesbian couples from most other states from marrying here, setting the stage for Massachusetts to join just one other state, California, in allowing same-sex couples to marry regardless of residence.

The repeal passed swiftly in the Senate earlier this month on a unanimous voice vote, but some wondered if the issue would stall in the larger House, where a handful of lawmakers wanted to avoid voting on a gay marriage question just before the election season.

But Speaker Salvatore F. DiMasi, who joined the governor and Senate president in supporting the repeal, wanted to bring it to the floor, with the end of the session looming.

That set up a 45-minute floor debate yesterday in which supporters called the 1913 law a dusty vestige of racist opposition to interracial marriage, while opponents argued for keeping it in deference to the rights of other states to set marriage laws.

On a roll call, the House voted 118 to 35 to pass the repeal bill. The legislation will probably be sent to Governor Deval Patrick this week. The repeal will take effect 90 days after Patrick signs the measure.

"I'm glad that we finally did it," Representative Byron Rushing, a Boston Democrat and one of the bill's sponsors, said after the vote. On the floor, Rushing had urged colleagues: "Let us be fair. Let us be equitable. Let us repeal the law."

The repeal was among many measures considered yesterday by lawmakers, who must wrap up their work for 2008 by midnight tomorrow. Among the decisions, the Senate passed a bill to allow registration on Election Day, while the House budget committee rejected Patrick's request for expanded powers to cut budget line items without legislative approval.

The 1913 law specifically bars out-of-state residents from marrying here if the marriage would be considered void in their home state. Its repeal opens the borders for potentially thousands of nonresident same-sex couples to marry in Massachusetts. A flood of couples is expected from New York, where Governor David Paterson has instructed state agencies to recognize and grant benefits to gay couples who marry elsewhere, even though New York does not authorize same-sex marriages.

Neither House nor Senate votes on the issue drew protesters to the State House. Advocates cited the absence of demonstrations as a sign that same-sex marriage has become an accepted fact of life in Massachusetts, after lawmakers in a joint session last year rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to limit marriage to heterosexual couples.

Unlike what happened in the earlier debate in the Senate, several representatives called yesterday for keeping the law on the books. Representative John A. Lepper warned that repealing the 1913 law would create chaos outside Massachusetts. He said other states will be forced to consider same-sex marriage or resolve disputes among couples who marry in Massachusetts but want benefits, or to divorce, back home.

"This [law] ensures that there will be a willing and approving state that will enforce all stipulations and benefits associated with marriage, which of course continues to be a legal bulwark of society," said Lepper, an Attleboro Republican.

Another opponent of repeal, Representative Mary S. Rogeness, a Longmeadow Republican, said that the Supreme Judicial Court in its 2003 ruling legalizing gay marriage said the 1913 law would keep couples from marrying in Massachusetts and challenging marriage laws elsewhere. She warned that repeal might invite young couples from states with stricter age laws to take advantage of the Massachusetts provision that allows minors to seek marriage through a court hearing, with parental approval.

"We in Massachusetts pride ourselves on being a very progressive state and hold in a certain amount of disrespect states that might have teenaged marriages," she said.

Those arguments failed to persuade most to keep the old law. Representative Jeffrey D. Perry, a Sandwich Republican who supported the proposed constitutional amendment last year, said he was not persuaded, because other states - 41 of which have passed laws or amendments prohibiting gay marriage - already must contend with Massachusetts marriage licenses if residents here move out of state. The same goes for marriages granted in California, where a recent court decision legalized same-sex marriage regardless of residency.

"Having rejected the states-rights argument and having a suspicion that the law was enacted in 1913 to racially discriminate against interracial couples, I thought the only responsible thing to do would be to repeal it and get it off our books," he said.

Same-sex marriage advocates in Massachusetts and beyond celebrated the vote.

"It's fantastic," said Marc Solomon, executive director of MassEquality, an advocacy and lobbying organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights. "We've really rid our state of the last vestige of legal discrimination against same-sex couples, and once again we lead the way in equality."

In New York, the repeal could prompt many of the state's roughly 49,000 same-sex couples, as estimated by the US Census Bureau, to visit Massachusetts.

"We're thrilled that Massachusetts has lifted its residency requirements," said Joe Tarver, spokesman for the Empire State Pride Agenda, an advocacy organization. "Now New Yorkers can drive across the border to a neighboring state and get a marriage license that will be recognized as legal and valid here at home."

DiMasi passed the speaker's gavel to representatives Paul J. Donato and Lida E. Harkins for most of the debate and did not speak on the issue. He voted for repeal and issued a statement afterward.

"The speaker is pleased that so many members, Democrats and Republicans, joined with him in supporting the repeal of such an outdated and unfair law," spokesman David Guarino wrote in e-mail. "This, like the protection of same-sex marriage before it, is a matter of basic civil rights and fairness and one the speaker felt was important to get done before formal sessions end."

Patrick has said he is eager to sign the bill. "The 1913 law is outdated and discriminatory; repealing it is the right thing to do," he said in a statement yesterday.

In Worcester, City Clerk David J. Rushford welcomed the vote as one of about a dozen city and town clerks who filed an unsuccessful legal challenge after Governor Mitt Romney invoked the little-known law to prevent Massachusetts from becoming what he called "the Las Vegas of same-sex marriage."

Carmen Joins Our Family Thanks to Ginger

Seattle restaurateur's New Calling - Rescuing "Death Row Dogs" By Nancy Bartley,Seattle Times staff reporter

As Ginger Luke tells it, it all began with a delivery of Chinese food, a weiner dog locked in a bathroom, and a grumpy old man.

While Luke has no idea what was in the man's fortune cookie, if the dog had had one it would have read: This is your lucky day.

The weiner dog was the first "client" of Ginger's Pet Rescue, a nonprofit organization specializing in what Luke calls "death row dogs." In two years, the program has found homes for nearly 1,000 dogs in danger of being euthanized simply because no one wanted to adopt them. Through a growing network of contacts at animal shelters, pet stores and elsewhere, Luke has created a successful system of locating loving homes for all types of dogs.

"I promise each dog a loving home," says Luke, 58, who owns the Rickshaw Restaurant in North Seattle, with her husband, Jakob Lueck, 54.

Luke's efforts started after Lueck heard a barking dog in the background every time he made a food delivery to a nearby apartment. When Luke handled the next delivery herself, she asked the owner about the dog. She was told it was a mean dog that was kept locked in the bathroom because it needed to be put down.

Luke carefully opened the bathroom door. A flash of dachshund streaked from the room and into her arms. The dog's collar was so tight it was embedded in his neck. Luke had to shell out $50 before the man would let her take the dog.

She got the dog cleaned up, e-mailed 40 friends and found it a home.

That initial effort produced a far greater response than Luke had expected. Other people she had contacted about the dachshund began telling her about other dogs in need of homes. Her networking ability, her persistence and the overwhelming need for homes for good dogs soon put Luke at the top of the lists for those doing dog rescues, including shelter volunteers. When others would fail to find homes for dogs and euthanasia seemed inevitable, they began contacting Luke.

She secured nonprofit status, put up a Web site and then began getting e-mails about abused dogs directly from the public. The next thing she knew, her Blackberry was filling with messages.

In no time, running the Rickshaw Restaurant would be done very late at night, or left to employees, and Luke and her husband were hauling around dog kennels in their dark red van and answering requests to take dogs to the vet for vaccinations, spaying and neutering, to foster homes, training and permanent homes with loving new owners. They paid most of the expenses themselves.

Luke has won the admiration of shelter operators and a local veterinarian — and all are astounded at what she has been able to accomplish with dogs thought to be unadoptable. While there are other pet-rescue projects, Ginger's Pet Rescue is vital in small towns such as Ocean Shores in Grays Harbor County or Ellensburg, where the towns' size makes placing dogs in homes difficult. (Shelters in larger cities such as Seattle and Everett tend to have higher rates of adoptions.)

In Ellensburg alone, Ginger's Pet Rescue has been credited with helping reduce the dogs that were euthanized annually from 560 to about 32.

"If we didn't have Ginger, we'd really have trouble getting the dogs out," said Paula Hake, manager of the Ellensburg Animal Shelter.

"She has common sense," said Karen Konz-Hofmann, the Seattle veterinarian who treats all Luke's rescues (and has let her run a $20,000 tab in vet bills). "She definitely helps a lot of different dogs ... there are certain dogs we just can't save ... Some rescue groups forget about that."

Luke turns down dogs that are obviously sick and dying or that have dangerous temperaments. But there are few of those cases. She's found homes for dogs that are deaf, old, blind, albino, three-legged and in need of various surgeries to correct congenital problems.

She charges $150 and up in adoption fees, which help cover some of the vet bills each dog requires. The money also helps her keep track of the dogs and new owners. Luke makes sure each match is a good one.

"If not, I'll take the dog back," Luke said. "Although sometimes I feel like a dating service."
Luke finds homes for the growing number of dogs from pet stores that find they can no longer sell the animals in the difficult economy. Many rescues are also from puppy mills since dog breeders have found that prospective buyers have other things to spend money on.

When Joan Baus at the North Beach PAWS in Ocean Shores first heard about Luke, her impression was, "This is too good to be true. She helped us place dogs we thought we'd never find homes for."

Although the PAWS shelter is a no-kill facility, Luke helps most with hard-to-place dogs, said volunteer Debby Valdez. "These are good dogs, just maybe real big, or very common breeds that are sadly too plentiful."

Luke has a core group of 15 dedicated foster "parents," who take the dogs until they can be placed, and a volunteer trainer to do temperament testing.

Luke and her husband have funded the rescue through the restaurant, and they hope to find more volunteers and more donations of money, dog food, leashes, collars, veterinary care and training time. The nonprofit group has about 50 volunteers and is just starting to raise funds.

Recently Luke and her husband were driving their van over Snoqualmie Pass to Ellensburg. On the floor between them was a container of colorful leashes and collars and in the back were kennels. A short time later they were on their way back, transporting Paige, a boxer-pit bull mix with an obsession for retrieving tennis balls; Herbie, a longhaired, energetic mix ready to play; and Micho, a sweet, white Chihuahua who loves walks.

"We rescued 15 dogs this week!" she told Lueck as he drove. Then she scrolled through her Blackberry with its dozens of e-mails.

"There are 56 dogs coming in!" she said. Without hesitation she dials the number of a foster parent.

"Hello, Christine! What are you doing tonight?"

Merlins Nest in Northgate-Area Neighborhood

By Sean Rose, Seattle Times staff reporter
Meet the Merlins: Spike, the mother, is the feisty one. Thor, the father, is calmer, the main provider. Then there's Puff, so rambunctious he fell from a tree before he could fly.

The family constitutes the first confirmed nesting in Seattle of merlins, a small type of falcon found in Western Washington and British Columbia. The birds are candidates for the state's endangered-species list, and they have been moving into urban areas more in recent years.

This particular merlin family is attracting bird-watchers daily and has sparked interest and protection from several non-birding neighbors, too. Merlins are in the Puget Sound area year round, but there has been no documentation of a nest in Seattle before now.

Driving through a Northgate-area neighborhood in April, Kim McCormick was scanning the tops of trees when she spotted the birds (for their protection, the birds' precise location is not being made public). After pulling over, McCormick saw the birds mate and realized she had found a nesting pair of merlins.

Over the next three months, McCormick along with friend and fellow Seattle Audubon Society member Barb Deihl turned their bird-watching hobby into a study of the birds and their five babies. They spent nearly every day peering through scopes, monitoring the nest, recording what they observed and consulting falcon research groups. Sometimes, they spent four to six hours a day monitoring the birds, and McCormick stayed behind from a family reunion to keep an eye out.

The friends got to know the birds enough to name them. Besides Puff, named for his heavy down coat when he tumbled from the nest, there's T.J., standing for Thor Junior, and Bucky, for all the trips to Starbucks between observation periods. The two female fledglings are still unnamed.
The children are fledging now, testing their wings in flights around large trees.

With binoculars hanging from her neck and adolescent merlins giving shrill calls above, McCormick tried to explain why spending months watching falcons was worth the time.
It was an opportunity to contribute to the knowledge of the animal, McCormick said, and to put her scientific background to use. At the same time, evidenced by the birds' names, "We knew from Day 1 that it wasn't going to be a strictly scientific study."

"We made a lot of friendships that we wouldn't have had otherwise and met a lot of people that we wouldn't have otherwise," McCormick said.

The neighbors near the nest site made the study possible, she said, by allowing her to wait outside their homes. Some brought her water and brownies, and many became curious about the birds and adopted them as part of the neighborhood. One neighbor keeps a roadside puddle clean for the birds. Another neighbor stops when driving past to ask if the babies are flying.

When Puff took a tumble from the nest in late June, a neighbor rescued him, and McCormick took him to PAWS, the Progressive Animal Welfare Society. Puff was released a little more than a week ago, and 15 to 20 people, many of them neighbors, came to see him join his siblings and parents, said PAWS naturalist Kevin Mack.

"It was really pretty encouraging for a neighborhood to take that much interest in the wild animals among them," Mack said. "A lot of times people don't understand that these animals aren't lost ... they're actually living here because there's habitat."

Answering neighbors' questions and educating them on merlins has added pleasure to studying the birds, McCormick said. She said she hopes some will have a greater understanding that tall trees — even in the city — are an important part of bird habitat.

She's not sure how long the merlins will remain in the area, but she advises anyone who views the birds to keep their distance, particularly if the birds are on the ground — and to be respectful of neighbors in the area.

Until the birds depart, McCormick will maintain the vigil she and Deihl started in the spring. After the birds leave, McCormick is hoping she'll still sometimes see a familiar feathered-face somewhere in the trees.

Madison: Get Better Soon!

Poll: Most In California Oppose Ban On Gay Marriage

Posted: July 18, 2008 - 10:00 am ET

(Los Angeles, California) A new poll finds that a majority of voters in California would reject a ballot measure to amend the state constitution to ban same-sex marriage.

The Field Poll, released Friday, is the first since the ballot measure, known as Proposition 8, was certified for the November election.

Fifty-one percent of likely voters said they would vote against the proposed amendment while 42-percent would support it.

The results show that the proposal is in trouble, Field Poll director Mark DiCamillo told the San Diego Times-Union newspaper.

DiCamillo said that usually ballot measures start out ahead, but as opponents begin raising doubts in the minds of the public lose support.

"Starting out behind is usually an ominous sign for a proposition," DiCamillo told The Times-Union. "Over 90 percent of propositions that start out behind get taken down."

The poll found that Republicans support amending the California constitution 68-percent to 27-percent while Democrats oppose it by about the same amount. Independent voters oppose the proposed amendment 66 percent to 27 percent.

The poll results are almost identical to a survey taken before the ballot measure was certified.
Supporters of the amendment say Field Polls overestimate support for gay unions.
In May the California Supreme Court struck down the state ban on same-sex marriage.

Hundreds of gay and lesbian couples began lining up for marriage licenses the following month when the ruling took effect.

Opponents of gay marriage began collecting signatures for the voter initiative.
Wednesday the state Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge by LGBT groups to declare the ballot initiative illegal.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger opposes the amendment and has said he will campaign against it

Bush May Become Big Flush

by The Associated Press, July 18, 2008 - 12:00 pm ET
(San Francisco, California)

A measure seeking to commemorate President Bush's years in office by slapping his name on a San Francisco sewage plant has qualified for the November ballot.

The measure certified Thursday would rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

Supporters say the idea is to commemorate the mess they claim Bush has left behind by actions such as the war in Iraq.

Local Republicans say the plan stinks and they will oppose it.

Mormon Missionary Calendar-Maker Called before Elders

By Jennifer DobnerThe Associated Press

A Las Vegas man who was the creative brains behind a calendar that features shirtless Mormon missionaries is facing a disciplinary hearing and possible excommunication for the project.

A lifetime member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Chad Hardy was summoned by letter to a Sunday meeting in Las Vegas with a council of elders to discuss his "conduct unbecoming a member of the church."

A copy of the letter from Frank E. Davie, the senior leader over a group of Mormon congregations in the Las Vegas area was provided to The Associated Press. It was sent July 6, just days before the 2009 version of the "Men on a Mission" calendar went to press, Hardy said in a telephone interview.

A takeoff on calendars of firefighters and returned U.S. servicemen, Hardy's project debuted in 2008, featuring 12 returned church missionaries in mostly modest poses, minus their trademark white shirts, ties and black plastic name badges. So far, it's sold nearly 10,000 copies.

"You see more in a JC Penney catalog," said Hardy, 31, who once worked for Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller and now has his own entertainment company. "I just feel like my right to free speech is being violated."

Davie on Friday confirmed sending the letter and the plans for the meeting. He said the calendar was the primary concern.

"I prefer not to say anything else about it," he said. "There is more involved, and he and I will have our meeting."

The outcome of a council meeting could include disfellowship, excommunication, probation, "or exoneration," Davie said.

Hardy acknowledged he's not been an active member of the church since 2002. A returned missionary who served in southern California, he said he no longer pays church tithing or wears the religious undergarments considered sacred. In six years, Hardy said he's never been contacted by anyone from the church encouraging his return to the fold and he suspects the current inquiry was driven by the church's Salt Lake City headquarters.

"I'm still a good Mormon boy in many ways," said Hardy, who says he bears no animosity toward Latter-day Saints, but never felt he fit in. "I still want to hold onto my heritage."

The calendar was designed to shake up the Mormon stereotypes, Hardy said. The pages include photos of the men dressed in standard missionary garb. In biographical sketches each missionary talks about his beliefs.

"It's not tearing anybody down," Hardy said. "I wondered what would happen if we took that perfect Disneyland image that the church spends millions of dollars cultivating each year and shook it up a little bit."

Blog entries on the social networking sites MySpace and Facebook show a range of reactions to Hardy's work. Some find it offensive and say it degrades the church by displaying missionaries as "sex symbols," and contradicting church teachings about modest dress for all members.

Others praise the effort for rattling perceptions that Mormons are "stuffy." Some who identified themselves as "younger" Mormons said the calendar might make it easier for their non-Mormon friends to consider exploring the faith.

"It has created an interfaith dialogue," Hardy said. "People of all faiths have logged on and shared what they believe. They're talking about what's really important, not how bad it is that you took your shirt off."

Some of the missionaries in the calendar, many of whom were recruited by Hardy's friends at church events, have been asked by their church leaders about the project, but none has faced disciplinary action, Hardy said.

"The biggest concern was, whether this was an attack on the church, and when they determined it wasn't, it was no big deal," said model Jonathan Martin, a 25-year-old Utah Valley University student, who was contacted by a church elder in May. "When you don something outside of the norm, it doesn't matter what group of people you're in, it's going to unsettle them."

Martin said he was told the inquiry was being made after a letter was sent to his church leader by higher-ups in Salt Lake City.

The Mormon church takes disciplinary action when leaders believe a person's behavior or actions are openly incompatible with the faith's teachings and could potentially damage the church.

Church spokeswoman Kim Farah declined to comment on Hardy's specific situation, but said that "any church discipline is the result of actions not beliefs." Decisions are made at the local level and are based on individual circumstances and merits, she said.

"Because the fundamental purpose of church discipline has always been to help members, rather than simply punish, disciplinary councils are considered a necessary step in repentance on the way back to full harmony and fellowship in the church," she said.

Disciplinary action can range from disfellowship to excommunication. In the past, members have been excommunicated for reasons including criminal activity and scholarly works of history or theology that contradicted church claims.

An excommunicated person would be removed from official church rolls, although they are still welcome at church services. Excommunicated members are prohibited from receiving the sacrament and can't perform church callings such as teaching or preaching during meetings. They also cannot enter church temples.

The 2009 calendar - which drew 100 inquiries from interested missionaries - will be released in September.

We're Cheney's Lap Dogs

Updated: 07/08/2008 06:23:27 PM MDT

The singularly controversial Vice President Dick Cheney has run a shadow government, duplicating national security and other services of the president's office. He is directly linked to exposing a CIA operative, instigating a program of torture and a host of other activities of concern.

Cheney has played cat and mouse with Congress to evade oversight. At one time, he claimed that the office of the vice president was not part of the executive branch but because of his role as president of the Senate he was part of the legislative branch. Now in response to the Congress's most recent request for records, he makes the audacious claim that he doesn't belong exclusively to either the executive or the legislative branch of government and therefore isn't subject to public information laws.

Why is there no public outcry when an elected official behaves this way? This country was founded on challenging and checking authority, but now we seem to be lap dogs.

Our Constitution requires oversight of the vice president's office by Congress. We deserve it.

Dennis L. Kay, Salt Lake City

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish!

To all those people who died too soon or who lived without being able to live life to its fullest as a result of Jesse Helms and his influence, may you rest in peace.

Some quotes of Jesse Helms, who died on the Fourth of July at age 86:

"I'm so old-fashioned I believe in horse whipping." - During a debate in 1991 on an AIDS-related amendment.

"Well, there is no joy in Mudville tonight. The mighty ultraliberal establishment, and the liberal politicians and editors and commentators and columnists, have struck out again." - Helms after defeating black Democrat Harvey Gantt for Senate in 1990.

"I came up between the two world wars during the Depression. All the people around me emphasized working and savings and personal responsibility. They spelled out in one way or another the uniqueness of America. This has largely been lost. Nobody would have thought of turning to the government to solve all our problems." - 1984 interview.

"The destruction of this country can be pinpointed in terms of its beginnings to the time that our political leadership turned to socialism. They didn't call it socialism, of course. It was given deceptive names and adorned with fancy slogans. We heard about New Deals, and Fair Deals and New Frontiers and the Great Society." - From a Helms editorial at WRAL-TV in Raleigh.

"I shall always remember the shady streets, the quiet Sundays, the cotton wagons, the Fourth of July parades, the New Year's Eve firecrackers. I shall never forget the stream of school kids marching uptown to place flowers on the Courthouse Square monument on Confederate Memorial Day." - Helms writing in 1956 on life in his hometown of Monroe, N.C.

"If he taught us anything, he taught us that we are personally responsible and accountable. I remember that day, and always will, when he called in several from the senior class. ... He said you can make it in this country. He said it's going to take hard work. ... He said you're going to succeed. He said you'll own your own homes and you'll have two cars and all that. I thought this man had lost his mind." - Helms reflecting on his high school principal.

"Compromise, hell! That's what has happened to us all down the line - and that's the very cause of our woes. If freedom is right and tyranny is wrong, why should those who believe in freedom treat it as if it were a roll of bologna to be bartered a slice at a time?" - Helms writing in 1959 on compromise in politics.

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing." - Helms responding in 1956 to criticism that a fictional black character in his newspaper column was offensive

Five Tips For Giving Good Praise

-By Gretchen Rubin

I'm a praise junkie. I really, really need those gold stars. I know I've got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is "Don't expect praise or appreciation." I think about that resolution every day. But boy, it's hard to keep.

For example, we just went through a major household project - and I mean MAJOR - that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn't muster it.

As I've done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn't.

I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise, not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I've done a job well and not depend on someone else's opinion.

I'm sure that one reason that I went to law school was because it was clear to me what I would need to do to win praise. I wrote my papers, I got my note published, I became editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. These were big gold stars, and they were precious to me.

So I give myself an enormous gold star for putting those law-related gold stars aside to start over again as a writer. I love my work, and that's hugely satisfying. But I still crave praise - and because the closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won't give it to me. Which he doesn't. Yes, I know that's not his job, and that I shouldn't depend on him for it. Like I said, I'm working on not needing it.

Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn't feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships -- friendship, work, romance, family. It's nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise -- even people more mature than I.

1. Be specific. You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it's specific than when it's general. "What a beautiful painting!" is less gratifying than "Look at all the colors you've used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You've really made your picture look like a spring garden!" This is true, for adults, too. "Great job," is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.

2. Acknowledge the actor. The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he's talking about. For example, with this household project, he looked around once and remarked, "This really turned out well." As if some deus ex machina had wrought these changes overnight. Aaargh.

3. The effusiveness and time spent in giving praise should be commensurate with the difficulty and time-intensiveness of the task. If a task was quick and easy, a hasty "Looks great!" will do; if a task was protracted and difficult, the praise should be more lengthy and descriptive. Also, you might bring up the praise more than once.

4. Remember the negativity bias. The "negativity bias" is a well-recognized psychological phenomenon: people react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example, within marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act. So if you want to praise someone, remember that one critical comment will wipe out several positive comments, and will be far more memorable. To stay silent, and then remark something like, "It's too bad that that door couldn't be fixed," will be perceived as highly critical.

5. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it's easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well every day without any recognition? It never hurts to point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, "You know what? In three years, I don't think you've ever been even an hour late with the weekly report." After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.

As Long As We're Talking About Michelle Obama, Did you Know Cindy McCain Was a Drug Addict?

Huffington Post, June 19, 2008 12:03 PM (EST)

It's a psychedelic experience this week, watching Cindy McCain out on the campaign trail, attacking the opponent's wife. In rally after rally she says, "I've always been proud of my country," a not so subtle jab at Michelle Obama's gaffe earlier about really being proud of America for the first time.

But Cindy McCain has one hell of a scandal in her past. In the mid-nineties she was addicted to prescription pain killers. Worse, she was stealing the drugs from the American Voluntary Medical Team, a third world relief organization she founded. Like most ridiculously rich people, she didn't have to go to jail for her crimes and was allowed to enter a rehab program rather than face criminal charges. The charity was shut down.

So when Cindy McCain says, "All I know is that I've always been proud of my country," take it with a grain of salt. She spent at least three years stoned out of her mind. It's impossible to know what she thought during that time. Was she really proud, or was she just hallucinating?

Cindy's addiction has been virtually ignored this election season. As a thought experiment, try to imagine what the reaction would be if Michelle Obama had a history with drug addiction? If Michelle Obama had stolen drugs meant for third world countries to support her own addiction?
Of course, we want to leave spouses out of politics. But if Cindy is out attacking Michelle people are going to start throwing rocks back at her glass house. She'd have to be high to think otherwise.

-Stephen Elliott